Ok nature, that's enough now.

So for the second time in about two weeks I have had to scrub blood off of my house. The blood filled, dead flesh colored tick was revolting enough but Saturday I came home to a mess of feathers and a BEAK! When I looked up I saw more blood splashed on the house. Apparently some birds got into it. I have no idea if leaving a beak is like a mafia move warning to other birds or if the beak just isn’t tasty enough to bother with. In any case, it was completely and utterly revolting and I’m ready for Summer if that’s when all these nasty beasts go hide under rocks and stuff away from my porch.

Saturday was my birthday and unfortunately scrubbing blood off my house was the highlight. Still it wasn’t as bad as the birthday when my father in law’s house burned to the ground and everyone sat around rather stoically acting like I was absurd for wanting cake. I am rather high maintenance on my birthday. Full of expectations about getting cake and stuff. Maybe next year right?

Anyway, to make up for the lack of cake (I have a one track mind sometimes) the next day I dragged everyone to my very first Fanime! Other than the fact that everyone there appeared to be young enough to be my child, it was fantastic and everyone was SO NICE. We are not at all familiar with anime other than say Sailor Moon so we were a little bit confused. We spent the day doing this:

Oooh cute! Who is that?
I don’t know.

Look at him! Who is that?
I don’t know!

Look! It’s Reptar!
Reptar from the Rugrats?
Yes
No, that’s not Reptar. Who would dress up as Reptar?
Well, clearly THAT GUY
That’s not reptar!

HOLY SHIT!

Is that Team Rocket?
Um, I don’t remember Team Rocket having chain saws…..

We took a break to eat our bananas because anime conventions sell bananas and teriyaki rice bowls. I know, how awesome is that! Yum! While eating we noticed that the girl next to us would leap up anytime anyone wearing candy corn looking horns of various sizes walked by, demand a hug and then quiz them! Then she’d make them sign a piece of cardboard. I still have no idea what the hell that was all about. As always at these types of conventions I am so impressed with the amount of effort people put into their costumes. Here are some examples (obviously my husband had the camera).

I’m supposed to be gardening but for some reason it’s raining. Yesterday it was stupid hot and today it’s freezing. So instead of gardening I have been obsessing about Harry Potter World where I want to go and have a damn butterbeer. I think they taste like butterscotch and vanilla with marshmallow foam on top. Mmmmmmmmmm.

I am such a dork but I want to go so bad and while searching for photographic proof of awesomeness, I stumbled across something stating they were considering opening one in LA in 2015. Be warned if they open one in LA or if I get to the one in Florida, that is ALL I will be talking about.

Who has photos?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Read this post then comment. Nice comments. Thank you.

One time I called my husband and told him:

“My car is on fire and the sailboat thingy is on. I’m in the middle of 101”. I’m pretty sure he thought I was drunk however I’m also pretty sure that using a sailboat picture to indicate a car is overheating is a stupid idea. Also, hello, smoke and steam look the same. Oh and, the middle of means halfway between work and home not in the middle lane of the freeway. He got just as annoyed when I told him the other day that “I think there are staples in my tire”. He says stuff like “You think there are….staples. what the hell…staples? DO NOT CALL THE MECHANIC AND TELL HIM THERE ARE STAPLES IN YOUR TIRE. We operate under the suspicion that the mechanic charges more when I call or bring the car in with a complaint than when my husband does.

I don’t use the wrong words because I am an idiot, I just am unfamiliar with the correct terms and so I say words that should express what I MEAN if you actually know me and pay attention and can translate and stuff. I also use the term thingy abundantly. (I miss you Thingy come back!)

My son can usually translate what I’m talking about which is strange considering he is the most literal person ever. For instance if I tell him to take a shower, he will take a shower. He will not wash his hair because that’s not what I told him to do. If I tell him to take out the garbage can, he will take out the garbage can but will leave the recycle can and the yard waste can where they are. It’s possible he is just spectacularly lazy I suppose.

Yesterday I wrote a snarky email to the principal regarding the math teacher where I expressed my frustrations with him and even managed to get in the word wacky. It was pretty awesome actually. Until I realized there are still around eight days left of school. Then I got that Ooh noooo feeling in my stomach. I told my son to go to his math class and keep his head down. I told him Do not stack twenty books on your neighbors desk. Do not fling paperclips into the ceiling. Do not empty a pen and spill the ink all over the hands of the innocents beside you (He’s been accused of SO MUCH this year, it’s exhausting. The teacher is a serial blamer. His motto is Send an accusatory email and see who fesses up), just sit there with your head down and work!

Approximately fifteen minutes after I sent him off to school I realized that more than likely he was going to go into the math class and sit in silence at his desk with his head literally hanging down because of course I’d forgotten to tell him to respond to the teacher if questioned. From 7:38 until 2:28 I fretted about the email I would receive

”Your son sat with his head down the entire time in class. He would not tell me why he sat with his head down. Please ask him why he sat with his head down”.

Oh and apparently those weren’t staples in my tire, the tires are made of steel or something. I don’t know. It was boring so I stopped listening.

Lessons

I have decided I’m no longer going to have friends. I’m going to be friendly but keep everyone at a distance. That way if someone gets mad at me because their husband likes me or because someone says we are together all the time it will not affect me in the slightest because I won’t be hanging out with them anyway. The way I see it is it has to be me. There is something about me that allows people to dismiss me entirely because of one incident even if I had no control over it. You wouldn’t know it by looking at my blog followers but men like me, more than women do, so if your husband likes me it’s just because I’m likeable. Also, was someone who stops being a friend because of an outside comment by someone who doesn’t matter a friend to begin with? Ugh, so frustrating.

In other news, my son learned a life lesson yesterday after he told me to calm down and found that telling someone to calm down actually riles them up. You’re welcome future daughter in law.

I am a dumb bitch and everyone is mad at me. I’m not a dumb bitch like a Kardashian or an overly made up fake haired, skankily dressed Real Housewife but a true dumb bitch who makes stupid choices. I walked my dog. He’s nine and I went too far and had to carry him part of the way home. Before our walk I’d run on the treadmill for thirty minutes and I was tired. It was 80 degrees and my dog hovers around 25 pounds. I was seeing black spots when I saw a guy I recognized in a BMW at jiffy lube or speedee lube or one of those boring car places. I don’t know him I just walk by his house and see him a lot. He offered to give me a ride and I declined but he insisted and I GOT IN HIS CAR. As I sat in his car literally praying he was going to turn right where I told him to turn right, I realized what a dumb bitch I really am. I’m sitting in his car with a pepper spray container that is tangled up in the leash and unreachable on the side of my seat. I have a bag of poop that I’m holding out the window and a fat dog on my lap while he has a good hundred pounds on me and I’m in his car. UGH. Stupid. Luckily as you can tell because I’m writing this, he is a nice guy and he brought me home and not to an isolated, deserted area (of which there are many around here) to murder and bury me.

I have decided though that I need to take a self defense course. Obviously I have NO SENSE. I open doors to people I know but don’t trust and put myself in awkward, potentially dangerous situations. Ugh. I should go get extensions and layer on the make up so I can look the part too.

In other news, I am not a country girl and just saw my first tick. I argued with my son, who saw it drop off the neighbors dogs belly for five minutes about whether or not it was a tick. I insisted it was a greenish flesh colored beetle. Ticks are small, this was large thumb size. He spends more time in nature than me and when he flattened it and showed me how it was filled with blood, well then I believed him and nearly fell flat on my face in disgust. This has been quite the nature filled year what with the tick and the raccoon a few months back. I’m thinking of staying inside more.

Hi. I will kick your ass.

When I go into the ocean I tell whoever I am with, or whoever I have left at home that if I get eaten by a shark, I am fine with it. Seriously. Don't go hunting down a giant shark as revenge or to learn why it ate me. It ate me because it is a shark.

Similarly if you choose to go hang out with lions, tigers, chimps, bears, etc. remember there is risk involved no matter how cute they are. My dog bit my lip once when I picked him up wrong and hurt his back. He drew blood. He's a dog that I feed and let sleep with me and take for walks and never ever do anything mean to and he still bit me because he is an animal.

I have included photos of some animals that might eat you if you choose to hang out with them. At the very least they will kick your ass if they decide they want to. So beware.

I had the following conversation with my hair dresser. She is twenty one.

Me: So are you living by yourself now?
Her: No, with a roommate and her boyfriend but it’s not working out
Me: Why?
Her: Well her boyfriend likes me. I mean, *runs hands down body* who can blame him
Me: Stunned into silence

Then she started in on her “List”. He has to be HOT. Well DUH. I mean that’s first on my list too. Oh wait, no it’s not.

This got me thinking though about an old post regarding back ups, the person you’d date in case your current relationship doesn’t work out. (Hmm. Maybe it was Swank76’s post. Or maybe I just claimed Swank76 as my back up. Where did you go anyway?) I realized that not only do I not have a back up, but the only person I’d want to date is already married. I guess it’s because I’m not working so my interactions with men are almost nonexistent unless you count the 20 year olds working at various stores or the toothless newspaper delivery guy. Which I don’t even though he is very friendly if somewhat scary. Seriously, he waits for the papers between bushes so it isn’t obvious he is there and then when you walk by he must think Oh I have to look busy so he leaps out and stands around nonchalantly like Oh, just here, on the sidewalk, just came out of the bushes and how are you doing today? There was that one guy on myspace who wanted me to bake pies for him….. Well, maybe my husband won’t kick me out for a few more years. That way I have time to put together a list.